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PS 3537 
.H9762 
H6 

1915 
Copy 1 


No. 19 


rS AMERICAN ACTING EDITION 


FROM COLLEGE 


A #krtrly fur Jfamr 


BY 

MARION SHORT and PAULINE PHELPS 


Copyright, 1915, by SAMUEL FRENCH 


© NOTICE—The Professional acting' rights of this play are reserved 
© by the publisher, and permission for such performances must be 
® obtained before performances are given- This notice does not 
% apply to amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. 
® Ail unauthorized professional productions will be prosecuted to 
® the full extent of the law. 

•• ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 


PRICE 25 CENTS. 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 


PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 
















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HOME FROM COLLEGE 


A ^krtrl? fur Jrnir i$5alrs 


BY 

MARION SHORT and PAULINE PHELPS 


m 


Copyright, 1915, by SAMUEL FRENCH 


NOTICE.—The Professional acting rights of this play are reserved 
by the publisher, and permission for such performances must be 
obtained before performances are given. This notice does not 
apply to amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. 
All unauthorized professional productions will be prosecuted to 
the full extent of the law. 


ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 


PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Streht 


New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street, 
STRAND 




PS 3537 

\ ^ IS 

HOME FROM COLLEGE 


CHARACTERS. 


Michael Malony. An Irishman 

Thomas Malony. His son 

John Stubbleby. A farmer 

Timothy Stubbleby... His son 


2 

©CI.0 41213 

JUL 13 1915 







Home From College 


Scene:—Michael Maloney’s sitting room. Dis¬ 
covered: Michael Malony admitting John 
Stubbleby to room. 

Michael. (His manner is quick and excit¬ 
able) Come in, come in, Mr. Stubbleby. Your 
hand’s trimbling, and the tip of yer nose is 
red wid anxiety, but far be it from me to make 
sport of ye, when I have the same symptoms mesilf. 
And all on account of your Timothy an’ me 
Thomas, cornin’ home from college on a day’s vaca¬ 
tion. Shure, me blood’s bilin’ like hot molasses wid 
impatience to see the improvement in me offspring. 
But one thing I won’t have, John Stubbleby, and 
that is for any son of mine to be thinkin’ he knows 
more than what his father does; it would break me 
proud heart. 

John. (Countrified and deliberate) Waal, 
there’s one thing I’m cackellatin’ on, as soon as my 
boy comes into the house, an’ that is to find out how 
he is gettin’ along with his sundries. Why, accordin’ 
to the money they spend on’t, in college, sundries is 
the most important branch of eddication. I’ve had 
to raise Timothy’s allowance three times already, 
jest a payin’ for that sundries. 

Michael. There comes your boy now, John. 
Fighting Scotchman, will ye look at him ? His 
learnin’s gone into his hands instid of his head. 
Shure, he’s grabbed at that sundries so hard wid 
3 



4 HOME FROM COLLEGE. 

both paws he’s swelled thim to twict their natural 
size. 

John. There comes your Thomas close behind 
him. Sort of a misfortune his sufferin’ with the 
rheumatiz, as young as he is. 

Michael. Phwat’s the matter wid ye? “ Rheu¬ 
matiz ! ” Can a jumping jack have rheumatiz? Can 
a bull frog? Can a Fourth of July fire cracker? 
When me boy niver had a day’s illness in his life? 

John. He’s got a cane in his right hand now, 
and carryin’ five pounds more of ’em on his back. 
That either means he’s got rheumatiz or he’s a 
dumb fool. I’m hopin’ it’s rheumatiz. The other 
disease lies too deep to be cured. 

Michael. Will you look at the two of ’em 
smokin’ so hard their faces is hid from the light of 
day ? 

John. I reckon they’re a doin’ that to keep from 
bustin’ out a weepin’ when they see us. Boys are 
pretty tender hearted. 

Michael. Tinder hearted? Shure, me own 
heart is as tinder as a three days auld chicken at 
sight of ’em. 

(Enter Thomas and Timothy smoking.) 

Michael. (With emotion ) Thomas, me bye! 
Me freckle faced first born! Is it thus you return 
to the auld roof tree? 

(Thomas ignores his father, and continues to smoke 
with bored air.) 

John. Waal, Timothy, my son, I s’pose you’re 
mighty durn glad to get away from them halls of 
learnin’, and back to Pap and Mam for a spell, eh? 

(Timothy turns his back, and smokes with indolent 
indifference.) 


HOME' FROM COLLEGE 


5 


John. (After watching Timothy remove box¬ 
ing gloves) There’s one consolation ’bout them 
hands, Mike, they come off. 

Michael. ( Aside to John) Will ye notice the 
airs of me round headed little Mick? I’ll soak him 
in a minute. 

John. (As boys sit in chairs with backs turned) 
Sh! I reckon thet’s the full-backs we read about 
in the college papers. It’s the proper caper Mike, 
an’ we don’t want to be outdone. 

(Fathers cautiously approach sons,<and,sit in chairs 
by them, backs turned but looking at them edge- 
ways, following their fashion of crossing legs, 
yawning, putting thumbs under arms, clearing 
throats, other business ad-lib. Sons continue to 
smoke.) 

Michael. (Choking as Thomas emits huge puff 
from cigarette) Arrah Mr. Stubbleby, full-back, or 
no, me indignation’s been rising ’til it’s at the top of 
the glass. I must spake or bust. (Approaches 
Thomas) I’m glad, me bye, you’re so overjoyed 
to see your auld father. Your enchusiasm in greet¬ 
in’ me was the most gracefully surprisin’ act of 
your life. (Sudden change of manner from gentle¬ 
ness to severity) Arrah, you living shmoke house, 
shtand up there and listen to me interrogations or 
I’ll brain ye! Is the rheumychism and a bag full of 
canes all you have to show a doting parent for 
spending his substance on your eddication? 

John. (Snatching cigarette from mouth of 
Timothy) Where do I come in that buys your 
hinky dinky play cigars, eh? If you’ve swallowed 
a dictionary and can’t speak, open your mouth and 
cough it up. Sneeze, wheeze, blow your nose. 
Great Jerusalem, do somethin’, or I’ll lam you ’til 
you’re black and blue! Do you hear me? 


6 


HOME FROM COLLEGE. 


Thomas. ( Languidly ) I suppose we must go 
through our paces. Eh, Timothy? 

Timothy. Anything to satisfy the old parties. 
(Boys rise) 

John. (Aside to Michael) “ Old party.” Be 
we a goin’ to stand that Mike? 

Michael. Shtand it? Niver! Give me young¬ 
ness or give me death! (To boys) Phwat have ye_ 
learned at college? If you’ve come home knowing 
more than I do, Thomas, it’s an evil day for you, 
and if you’ve conn home knowing less, it’s an eviler 
one. Git ap ! Gee up! Go on ! Put on your goggles, 
shtart up the gasoline power, let go the brake, and 
navigate thim wheels in your head at the speed of 
fifty miles a minute, or you’ll be at the tail end of 
the procession. (Aside to John) I was findin’ 
out all about thim Billymobiles last week so’s 
Thomas couldn’t surprise me with his learnin’. 

Timothy. (To Thomas) All ready chappie? 

Thomas. (To Timothy) Yep, awful bore 
though. (Thomas and Timothy stand side by side, 
and chant in concert ) “ Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Psi. 

Rah, Rah, Rah. Whoopsie, Dinkle, Epsilon! Rah, 
Rah, Rah, Rattlebox, that’s all.” 

(They sink into chairs, legs stretched out before 
them lazily, hands in pockets. John and 
Michael stoop, hands on knees, and stare at 
boys in amazement. Then Michael stealthily 
gets golf stick and creeps up behind Thomas, 
and John puts on gloves and, striking boxing 
attitude, gets behind Timothy.) 

Michael and John. (In chorus) That’s all, 
is it? (They sprint around the room after boys, 
making comical threatening motions) 

Thomas. White flag, white flag! (Dodges) 

Thomas. White flag, white flag. 


HOME FROM COLLEGE. 


7 


Timothy. Llands up, hands up, don’t you hear 
us? ( Backs away) 

Michael. ( Chasing Thomas) “ Rattlebox,” 
is it? 

John. (Chasing Timothy) You can’t 
“ whoopsie dinkle Rah Rah ” me. 

Thomas. (Holding hands high in air ) Call off 
your dog! 

Timothy. (Hands in air ) We throw up the 
sponge! 

Michael. Thin shtand up there, the two of yez 
and toe the line loike we used to do at shpelling 
school, and don’t move ’til we’ve pumped the well of 
your information dry as a bone. You take the first 
whack, John, and if that goggle eyed misfortunate 
of yours don’t answer ye respictful, tip me the wink 
and I’ll spill all he has in his head out on the flure, 
and we’ll see what’s there a takin’ the place of 
brains. 

John. Got most ready to graduate in your sun¬ 
dries, I reckon, hain’t ye? What does that study 
learn you about anyhow ? 

Timothy. The depression in the money market, 
mostly, but what’s the use of explaining, you 
wouldn’t understand? ( Hastily, as Mike makes 
threatening gesture) It’s—why it’s economics and 
trigonometry, and a lot of things like that. 

John. I guess I understood ’nometry long before 
you was born, you smart elik. I used the trigger 
on squirrels, when I wern’t higher than that. Trig- 
gernometry is a good thing to learn though, I ain’t 
saying nothing against it. 

Michael. Nor me. I’m good at it mesilf. 
Now, thin, speak up, Thomas. 

Thomas. My favorite study is astronomy, but it 
takes a long time to tell about astronomy. 

Michael. Astronomy, eh? Ass-tronomy, I for¬ 
bid you a studjyin’ it. You’re the biggest ass now I 
iver laid my two eyes on, and I don’t want to see 


8 


HOME FROM COLLEGE. 


you a growing long ears before me very face. Phwy 
don’t you shtudjy Deuteronomy and learn to do your 
duty? That’s phwat I’d be inquirin’. 

John. What ’onomy is it costs you the most, 
Timothy, seein’ there seems to be so many of them? 

Timothy. Gastronomy, father. The lobster is 
an awfully expensive bird to study. And it takes so 
many small bottles to preserve him. But we have to 
go outside college to study that. Gastronomy at our 
class table is a decayed art, isn’t it Tom? 

Thomas. ( Chanting ) 

Canned ! Canned ! Every thing canned 1 

Come along, mooley cow, lend us a hand. 

Hungry Freshies want fresh meat too— 

I composed that one morning at breakfast, but just 
as I was fishing for a concluding line, the professor 
threw me out of the window. 

Michael. (Aside to John) Come here, John. 
Do I know more than that, or less than that? 

John. Mike, there must be as big fools as them 
two somewhere on this earth, but I reckon they’re 
preserved in alcohol. 

Michael. (Sadly) Tommie rot, me bye. You 
have fallen so low in your intelligence I think I’ll 
have to take ye away from the halls of learnin’ and 
make a politician of ye. 

Thomas. ( Startled ) “Away from the halls of 
learning!” And me the umpire on the base-ball 
team? Oh, great Caesar’s justly celebrated ghost! 

John. ( Despairingly ) Timothy, it will take 
hard work, but you’re all I have left in the world and 
I must try and keep you self supportin’ if I can. 
Try and forget them ’ometries, for I’m going to take 
you out of college, strap ye onto the seat of a roller 
and see if you have sense enough to ride across a 
ploughed field and back without failin’ off. 

Timothy. Out of college! And me the center 


HOME FROM COLLEGE. 


9 

rush on the foot ball eleven ? O lantern of 
Diogenes! 

Thomas. ( Aside to Timothy) This is getting 
serious. Something’s got to be done. Let’s try giv¬ 
ing them the glad hand. (To Michael with emo¬ 
tion) My beloved parent, my dearly beloved 
parent- 

Timothy. (To John) My kind father, my 
adored, gentle father- 

Michael. (To Thomas) Go way wid ye. I’ll 
not reconsider my mind. It’s a father’s duty to save 
his bye from the ijut asylum if he can. And by 
keeping ye at home- 

Thomas. But we’ve got to go back to college. I 
have just been giving you the razzle dazzles, as it 
were, I’m not such a fool as I look. (Laughing 
hollowly) Ha ! ha ! ha! 

Timothy. No, we’re not such a fool as he looks. 
Ha ! ha ! ha! 

Thomas. Don’t you see? I’ve been joking. Ha! 
ha! ha! 

Michael. Joking, eh? No, no, me bye, that 
won’t do. I’m an Irishman and an Irishman can see 
a joke as far as he can see whiskey. But I see no 
joke of yours (Putting hand above eyes) though I 
view the landscape o’er. Ah, me bye! it bows me 
noble forehead in the dust to own it, but though 
you’re me own flesh and blood you’re even a bigger 
fool than you look. (Half laughing and half cry¬ 
ing) Ha ! ha ! ha! 

Timothy. But Pa, dear Pa, noble effulgent Pa, 
you won’t take his view of it? You’ll listen to 
reason ? I’ve got to finish my college course. Why, 
Tom and I didn’t dare tell you all we had learned 
for fear you’d get so swelled up with pride—you— 
’twould give you appendicitis, which is always fatal 
and sometimes dangerous. Look here, Dad- 

Thomas. We’ve got to make that night train 
back to town, and want you to stake us before we go. 





IO 


HOME FROM COLLEGE. 


Just put your hand in my pocket, and feel all that 
emptiness. 

Michael. I’d rather feel it in your pocket than 
mine. Go away, you ignorant blatherskite! I don’t 
assasinate wid the loikes av you. 

Timothy. Pa, you are the real thing. You’ve 
kept me browsing in clover since I entered college 
and I’ll make you proud of me yet. Just listen to 
me. Pa, I’m on the foot-ball eleven and what I 
don’t know about rushometry isn’t worth knowing. 
But we need new uniforms in a rush and I rushed 
home to rush you for a little money- 

John. I didn’t send you to college for the sake of 
your feet. ’Twas furnishin’ the inside of your head 
I was thinkin’ of. But you ain’t got as much as a 
three legged stool in it so far as I can find out. No, 
sir-ee, you don’t rush any more money out of me. 
I’m done. 

Michael. Shake hands on it, friend John. 
(John and Michael shake hands, while hoys 
mournfully kick each other) Run out in the yard, 
you poor, orphan idiots, run out and play wid your 
hands and feet ’til we decide what’s to become of 
you, if you keep on in the way you’ve shtarted out. 

Timothy. (To Thomas) We’ll have to make 
an awful bluff of some kind. We went a little too 
far imitating the airs of the seniors. 

John. Get out, go on, make yourselves scarce. 

Timothy. (Tragically) Is it thus you dare to 
address me? Me who come home to you laurel 
crowned if you would but open your eyes to see? 
(Strikes tragic attitude) 

Thomas. Yes, gaze on that high forehead, 
and then repeat your insults if you can. (Old men 
stagger. Aside to Timothy) That is a good lead, 
Tim, keep it up. 

John. Mike, do you see anything above my 
son’s high forehead? 

Michael. I do. I see his hair. 



HOME FROM COLLEGE. 


ii 


Timothy. Of course these gentlemen don’t 
know that in addressing me they are addressing the 
president- 

John and Michael. Addressing the what? 

Thomas. The president of the college glee club. 
Behold him with his honors ripe upon him. 

John. Say, Mike, if he’s got to be president of 
something or other, that ain’t so awful bad now, is 
it? 

Michael. ( To Thomas) And phwat’s your 
office, me boy, to shtand around and blow young 
Timothy’s horn? 

Timothy. {To Michael) Ungrateful parent! 
You shall not speak thus to my honored colleague. 
For in him behold the vice president of the same 
affluent and time honored, institution. Show your 
father what he is insulting. Sing for him, Thomas. 

Thomas. {Singing up and down scale) O-O- 

O-O-O-O- 

Michael. Keep shtill, John, don’t you be over¬ 
come wid thim youngsters. {To Thomas) Any 
body can roar “ O ” that’s got sinse enough to open 
his mouth. Sing “ Ah ” and let me sit on how that 
sounds. 

Thomas. A-A-A-A-A— {Sustained tones) 

Timothy. A-A-A-A-A— {Operatic style) 

John. That’s pretty good bellowing. _ Purt nigh 
equals our old short horn heifer. But it don’t hit 
me. I ain’t goin’ to pay for your bein’ president of 
the like of that. 

Michael. Nor me for you to be vice. 

(Thomas and Timothy sing a line or two of “ We 
Are The Jolly Gay Students'’) 

John. Shut your mouth or I’ll shut my ears. 
Sing me a song plain and simple without no ruffles, 
or lace insertion, or hand paintin’, and I’ll listen to 
it, but not ’til then. 




1 2 


HOME FROM COLLEGE. 


Michael. Yis, all thim O’s and Ah’s and 
“ Jolly Stugents ” ain’t worth one line of a good auld 
chime loike “Turkey In The Straw.” 

Thomas. Why, Dad, “Turkey In The Straw” 
is our star tune. It’s a classic, a gem of purest ray 
serene. 

John. You don’t say so! Land, Michael, we 
ain’t behind the times after all. We’re in it if we 
hain’t bin to college an’ learned sundries. Look 
here, Timothy, if you can sing that tune and keep 
on the key from beginnin’ to end, I’ll give you all the 
money you’re after. But I don’t believe you can do 
it. 

Thomas. And will you stake me too, Governor, 
if I show up with the turkey ? 

Michael. That I will, but it’s my belief you’ll 
kill that turkey before it more than chips the egg. 

Timothy. Come on, then, join in with us and 
we’ll see how she goes. 

(All sing “ Turkey In The Straw ” and as they sing, 
old men, delightedkeep pulling money from 
pockets and handing it to boys, and boys take 
it eagerly, continually reaching for more.) 


FINIS. 


































































































































































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OF CONGRESS 





















































